Brother,
I do know those negative voices, I know yours and I know mine (as do you). I don't know what they are there for or where they come from. The passage (1 Samuel 16:23) is little help, but it said that God sent a tormenting (pretty good description, huh?) spirit to Saul. Great, it's from God?
I agree with what you were saying about looking back, way back, into our younger years and not seeing them. What does that say? Not sure. (Maybe...You were born with goodness.)
It has been helpful to me to have someone (or more than one) to share them with. They certainly haven't gone away but their power and ability to control me are definitely reduced by this. Maybe sharing them is good for a number of reasons. Maybe it is a way to face them, to not ignore them (like we can anyway) but to put them in front of someone else who can say, "that's BS" or "This isn't everything you are"or "what do you think this is about?".
With some of what you shared today (off of speakerphone), I can say you are human, and loved, and honest. With the things about anxiety and the future and positions and time, I can say let's think about these, let's talk about these...but let us not give those voices the last say. How? I don't know, but I am not going anywhere, so you are not alone in this.
I can't play the harp or even the guitar (not very well, yet)... but I can find music online like a banshee. So give these a listen and tell the tormenting spirits to take a hike. And if they don't leave, or if they come back and put you in a headlock, just call for backup. I'm right behind you.
A cup of coffee with you or a ride in your van is something that I could use today. Michele is home and that brings with it great joy, wonderful reunion and much needed equilibrium. But I have also been sitting on these negative voices - you know the ones - for a week now. Placing them before God the best I can, working around them, in them, in spite of them. Is it too much to ask to be rid of this, to be free? Is it a mirage, a reordering of my past to think it was ever different? Yet in this the presence of love is not hidden, is not retracted. Maybe this is the limp, like Jacob, that I am to walk with - the sign of my wrestling with the angel. The best I can do this morning is to lean towards love. I looked at the window this morning hoping a honda van was idling outside.
The title of your last post just may be the title of that book on friendship (or whatever it is) that we are writing (will write someday) together. It is a much better title than either blog I post on, but Lifeway bookstores won't sell it.
The reason it (constriction) is such a bugger for me is the fact that I continually need reminders, boosters, second and third (and infinite) helpings of Love. I agree the strength of the constriction is limited, but that is me today, now, as well. Ask me last week when I hadn't heard from you and felt myself struggling to stay afloat or at maybe just stay positive (or next week after I lose it with the boys or wake up afraid of something "big") ... and I would be less certain of this.
The fact that I need these reminders and connection and communion makes me human, but it also makes me just unsure enough of myself that I don't stand defiantly and shout at the darkness. It also makes me just unsure enough that I fear at times I wear out those encouraging me. When I read the post from you, I am like "yeah, that's right!" I'm the little guy standing behind the guy shouting at the darkness. More often, I'm like Paul Blart in Mall Cop, head stuck in a choke hold shouting, "Backup, I need backup!".
I get the constriction. I think part of the fact is that for a few years in the rhythm of our relationships we both were able overtime to relax into a state of comfort and companionship. I was constricted around many other places in my life (future, addiction, performance), but was not constricted around the place of love, acceptance and knowing. Trust, risk and a shit load of time is a gift. I also think that when we experience life with another in the mundane and in the intense, as it naturally flows in ones life, there is a dimension of realness, a weight and substance to it. CS Lewis, in The Great Divorce, nurtures this image of the mountain as a place where things are heavy and substantive - particularly when experienced by those visiting from the underworld of isolation. These isolated spirits could not lift a blade of grass, the dew off a leaf in the morning falling from a tree could crush them. I think that friendship in the way I have experienced it with you has given a weight to my life that was not there - a realness to the ordinary, to the moments, to the particular. I wonder if that is why it is so hard for some in our generation to move into the depth of these types of relationships (it is not only because you and I happen to be so intense!). Is it because in the movement from the vapor of isolation to the place of knowing there is a claim that it has on ones life, an obligation that frees, a call that solicits movement both beyond oneself and towards oneself. Whatever these dynamics, they have put a weight to my life that was not there. I carry this weight with me now as my own, your voice distinct and along side my moms, Ted's and the voice of Love. The difference for me today is that when the constriction comes I trust (hope and pray) that it has a limited strength to maintain its grip - these other voices will not be silenced, cannot be silenced. This is the 'light that shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it'. Kiss my ass darkness, love has found me.
Much more to say, much more to catch up on. I love you brother.
Hey Bro,
It was so good to see you yesterday, even if it was in the middle of a Transatlantic Face Time Air Soft demonstration circus...
Your boys are awesome. Tell Miguel I will try to get him more information on the ocular complications of getting kicked in the balls.
I saw this and wanted to share it with you. Actually, there is so much I want to share with you, but for now, this...
Hey Man,
Did you ever sit in the dentist's chair while they worked on your teeth and suddenly realize you were holding your breath and tightening your muscles, and then realize it was okay to exhale and relax? I realized today a small amount of this feeling sneaking into my overall existence. I noticed it as I was thinking about the fact that I hadn't connected with you recently, and began to try to construct a solution to our lack of connection. "A solution" (Skype, email, blog post, etc.) seemed big and intimidating, and I could feel the tightening just a bit more.
Then, somehow (I wish I could remember) I had a feeling similar to the moment in the dentist's chair when I realize it is okay to let the tension move out. It once again seemed reasonable to just put down a few things that have been on my heart and mind. I realize connection with you is sometimes like exhaling and at other times like inhaling.
Why is it that "lack of connection" itself is frequently such a source of constriction?
So anyway, today a deep breath in and this is a random bit of letting it out...
I have been reading and greatly enjoying Peter Enns' newest book, The Evolution of Adam. It is divided into two sections, of which I have only finished the first. In this section he discusses the Old Testament, and more specifically the Pentateuch and Genesis, from the perspective of when it was likely written and from this, possibly the purpose of the author (s). He then goes on in part two to show possible perspectives Paul may have been using when referencing Adam. His point is to show that our understanding of Adam can be as deep and rich for the creation stories, and for Paul's theology in view of scientific data today. I can't tell you so much why I am loving it, except to say that I find a bit of freedom and excitement in considering that the scriptures may be more embedded in human experience than I previously have internalized. It is exciting that this embedded-ness may be precisely why they are inspired (and inspiring).
On another "theology meets my heart" moment, I was listening to the Homebrewed Christianity TNT Eschatology podcast. There were a few moments that made my heart beat faster and harder, like their discussion of Christ as the prolepsis of God. They reference a book called Theology and the Kingdom of God by Wolfhart Pannenberg. Read it?
There is another Homebrewed Podcast, Occupy Theology: Marx and Whitehead, which is challenging but very interesting. Somewhere in the discussion the two presenters discuss the depth of their friendship as it relates to and stems from the fact that they somehow see the world the same way on a basic level. I think I know what they were talking about.
On my blog I posted a TED video about classical music that is a bit older (2008) but beautiful.
Craig Finn, the lead singer for The Hold Steady, just released a solo album. It's called Clear Heart, Full Eyes and it is full of Jesus references and stories.
This one is pretty cool.
I continue to find encouragement from Richard Rohr's daily meditations. Thank you.
I continue to find that I continue to need encouragement.
