There is this powerful combination of thoughts and emotions that exists in me, everyday. They are life as I experience it, though I have thankfully begun to learn that they are not all there is to life. One of the things that I experience with them is a desire to share them with you and to hear what you have been thinking and feeling. Everyday. One huge gift of our friendship was the freedom I felt to do so, and it has caused me to consider it may be possible with others. These thoughts and emotions seem frequently to exist just outside of my ability to put them into words on a screen, or on paper. In fact I have spent more time on these few sentences this morning than I had planned for this entire post to take.
Everyday, I check Skype and you are not available (just as you do), and then seven more things happen that make me afraid, joyful, angry, ashamed, aware, excited, lose my breath, or laugh ... and I want to connect again. And the scenario repeats, somehow slowly making it easier to live without the connection I want, than to face the frustration of lack of connection and to try to overcome it. And I wonder if this isn't the same thing that happens everyday with other people in my life... friends near and far, parents, brothers, Holly and the boys. Maybe there is a desire to connect so great it takes day after day after day of life to give it another go, one more chance, another run at it...or not.
So I keep trying, with them. Everyday, though some days get a better go than others.
And the same with trying to connect with you.
Occasionally I even hit the "Send" or "Publish" button.
And somehow, I believe you get it. I think you experience something so similar you know what I mean. There is something that transcends my ability, or my inability, to create and maintain connection, or at least I hope there is.
I am wide awake. I love you. I am so grateful for life. And I miss you. Everyday.
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