Today (part one...Holocene)

It is one of those days where my heart is full and there is a heaviness in my chest with the significance of this life. I am overwhelmed by how powerful the music is today, just as I am overwhelmed by my inability to control my own emotions on any given day- whether joy and appreciation (like today) or anger and frustration (yesterday), :-] . This life is nothing, if not beautiful and complicated. Somehow, when I convince myself I "understand" life, I make it less complicated, and at the same time, less beautiful.

I don't know how I made it so far in life convincing myself I had so much of it tucked away as if I understood it. I wonder if it was in large part because I felt like I was "supposed to". I am grateful for the process of unwinding all of this stuff I had so tightly wound. And though there are days were I get a little apprehensive at just how far this unwinding will go, the freedom that has accompanied it has been worth it. Of course, along with this freedom comes the knowledge that there will be days (every day, in some fashion) where I am confronted (for better or worse) by my humanity. And I am beginning to look at it long enough to see that even when it isn't pretty, it is beautiful.

Today, Justin is in Austin for the funeral of Laura's grandmother. She was 92.

I am doing his surgeries after mine today and seeing his patients after mine this afternoon. We still have house guests from the graduation weekend so the day is pretty full. Nevertheless, between cases this morning I came across this and it really got the wheels in my head and heart turning. It made me think and feel a lot of different things about my life and recent situations, even though much different than the author's.  I also thought much of your life and your situation, and share it hoping it will move your heart and soul in a positive direction.

One of the tough things for me about the time difference separating us is the difficulty in continuity of contact. Even if I finish this post and put it up today, I am not certain when you will read it. Likewise, even though I offer these words from my current situation to what I last heard from you, it may find you in a different place now. Certainly, as we discovered when we lived in the same town, the few hours from midnight to sunrise can sometimes bring an amazingly different perspective, and an entirely new emotional state. I hope today, you are in a celebration mode, appreciating your own life and that of your birthday girl.

Whatever emotional state you may be in, or for anybody else wandering by with their current emotional state... I offer a couple of songs that have found a home in me the past few days. The first video is Holocene, by Bon Iver.  I think his music carries an emotional weight to it, even before I spend time with the lyrics. Justin Vernon, of Bon Iver, said this of his song Holocene:

  "It's partly named after the (geological) era, but it's also the name of a bar in Portland where I had a dark night of the soul." He also stated that "the title is a metaphor for when you're not doing well. But it's also a song about redemption and realizing that you're worth something; that you're special and not special at the same time."

(Wikipedia)

Holocene

"Someway, baby, it's part of me, apart from me"
You're laying waste to Halloween
You fucked it friend, it's on it's head, it struck the street
You're in Milwaukee, off your feet

And at once I knew I was not magnificent
Strayed above the highway aisle
(Jagged vacance, thick with ice)
And I could see for miles, miles, miles

3rd and Lake it burnt away, the hallway
Was where we learned to celebrate
Automatic bought the years you'd talk for me
That night you played me 'Lip Parade'
Not the needle, nor the thread, the lost decree
Saying nothing, that's enough for me

And at once I knew I was not magnificent
Hulled far from the highway aisle (Jagged vacance, thick with ice)
And I could see for miles, miles, miles

Christmas night, it clutched the light, the hallow bright
Above my brother, I and tangled spines
We smoked the screen to make it what it was to be
Now to know it in my memory

And at once I knew I was not magnificent
High above the highway aisle (Jagged vacance, thick with ice)
But I could see for miles, miles, miles

 The second video will be posted later today I hope.
Love you.