"This is the hardest part" he said, his chest repressing a heave as he looks at me. He is a mix of fear, courage, inevitability and reluctance, and then he turns and we began the final ritual of the morning. He walks towards through the courtyard, I move to the farthest point so that when he turns for the last time before he disappears into a world I have little to do with, he can turn, our eyes meet. Mine reassuring him, his holding back the tears, mustering up the courage for the next 5 steps, the next 10 minuets, maybe the next 10 years. When I finally walk through the pack of the other parents my own tears flow. I am unable and unwilling to stop them.
I think he is right, the hardest part is always letting go of the safety of connection and stepping into a place that is contingent, volatile, evaluative. Surrender. You don't know if what you are letting go of and turning from is actually "in you" or only resident in the relationship you turn from. I want to shout to him "It's in you!" I think in various ways I have been saying this to him since I held him in my arms in Guatemala City. I understand in my 40's through you, my mom, Ted, meditation, the Holy Spirit that it is in fact 'in me'. But it does not make the turn away and towards any easier in the actual event of turning (I remember sitting on my porch saying goodbye to you). Today I am learning how to trust the turn. There is a joy and pain attached to it all - and in these events I can see the beauty.
Our time together over the holiday was wonderful and I feel so lucky to be my kid's dad, to be married to Michele. My boys are growing with a wide eyed wonder, a creativity and strength and interest that is beautiful and deep. Their relationships are becoming friendships and they have a lifeworld that is particular to each of them but collectively in communion. It's all so fragile, it's all so beautiful.
Thank you so much. It took me a few tries to get through to the end, stopped by tears of my own a couple of times. It is so hard to let go of them when I still feel I am trying to let go on my own.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet you are right, they (we) grow, find our own way, develop our own relationships, our own worlds, and our own paths, but never alone... Fragile and beautiful.
I needed this today. Last night was a major dose of what feels like failure. Brought on by the emotion of two wonderful weeks that will not ever be repeated? Anyway, this is helping me climb out (or being pulled out) of a dark place. Thanks again. Love you.