Kiss My Ass Darkness Love Has Found Me

I get the constriction.  I think part of the fact is that for a few years in the rhythm of our relationships we both were able overtime to relax into a state of comfort and companionship.  I was constricted around many other places in my life (future, addiction, performance), but was not constricted around the place of love, acceptance and knowing. Trust, risk and a shit load of time is a gift.  I also think that when we experience life with another in the mundane and in the intense, as it naturally flows in ones life, there is a dimension of realness, a weight and substance to it.  CS Lewis, in The Great Divorce, nurtures this image of the mountain as a place where things are heavy and substantive - particularly when experienced by those visiting from the underworld of isolation. These isolated spirits could not lift a blade of grass, the dew off a leaf in the morning falling from a tree could crush them.  I think that friendship in the way I have experienced it with you has given a weight to my life that was not there - a realness to the ordinary, to the moments, to the particular.  I wonder if that is why it is so hard for some in our generation to move into the depth of these types of relationships (it is not only because you and I happen to be so intense!).  Is it because in the movement from the vapor of isolation to the place of knowing there is a claim that it has on ones life, an obligation that frees, a call that solicits movement both beyond oneself and towards oneself.   Whatever these dynamics, they have put a weight to my life that was not there.  I carry this weight with me now as my own, your voice distinct and along side my moms, Ted's and the voice of Love. The difference for me today is that when the constriction comes I trust (hope and pray) that it has a limited strength to maintain its grip - these other voices will not be silenced, cannot be silenced.  This is the 'light that shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot overcome it'.  Kiss my ass darkness, love has found me.

Much more to say, much more to catch up on.  I love you brother.