Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Paul Blart
The title of your last post just may be the title of that book on friendship (or whatever it is) that we are writing (will write someday) together. It is a much better title than either blog I post on, but Lifeway bookstores won't sell it.
The reason it (constriction) is such a bugger for me is the fact that I continually need reminders, boosters, second and third (and infinite) helpings of Love. I agree the strength of the constriction is limited, but that is me today, now, as well. Ask me last week when I hadn't heard from you and felt myself struggling to stay afloat or at maybe just stay positive (or next week after I lose it with the boys or wake up afraid of something "big") ... and I would be less certain of this.
The fact that I need these reminders and connection and communion makes me human, but it also makes me just unsure enough of myself that I don't stand defiantly and shout at the darkness. It also makes me just unsure enough that I fear at times I wear out those encouraging me. When I read the post from you, I am like "yeah, that's right!" I'm the little guy standing behind the guy shouting at the darkness. More often, I'm like Paul Blart in Mall Cop, head stuck in a choke hold shouting, "Backup, I need backup!".
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I love it! If "kiss my ass..." is the title then "Back up" is surely a chapter - or at least a section! I don't mean that these voices stand now in some triumphal position and are fixed in some way. They are not. I am just as much Paul Blart as you. But you stood with me in my darkest time, you would not let me go when the bottom dropped out, when the night got the longest and the darkest, it was you who showed up. When I had no more tears but more despair it was you crying next to me. SO, when the anxiety comes, so does the memory (sometimes days later) of these particular ways you were and are with me. And I trust now it is only a matter of time until something breaks in, breaks free, breaks open. I trust it because it is all I can do.
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